Fathers Day, a day to celebrate our fathers. Yes, my children showed their love through gifts to their daddy this morning, and I had a small something for him, but did not see him before he left due to the extreme lack of sleep from working this weekend. I could not of asked for a greater daddy for my children, he might be a little tougher then me sometimes, but I am known to have a soft spot. Even though Shawn may not make every game, practice, dr's appointment, etc., he is still there for the kids. He is a great supporter, his work pays the bills to provide them with all they need. May not be all they want, but they have their needs met and then some. Some days it is hard with him being gone so much, but I know he is doing what it takes to show his love to me by letting me only work part time and focus full time on the never ending needs of the kids.
Not only do my kids have a great daddy, I lucked out and gained a great father in law. He also worked and still works hard to provide and care for his family. He just loves his grandbabies. Our three are my in laws only three grandkids, and boy are they spoiled by poppop, the kids just love him to pieces and love to help him with all his outside work. I hope my boys learn the value of hard work by watching their daddy and poppop. I also have two grandfathers whom I consider one of them to have been my father in every sense of the word, unfortunately due to family crap, that relationship has become a very sad story and one that hurts me everyday due to selfishness of others.
As I have read all day of my friends lifting up their fathers and calling them daddy, I am brought to tears sometimes because I do have a living father, just one who never acted like one. Unfortunately, for his sake he has 9 grandchildren he can never see due to his past behavior. All by choice of course. I also have a mother , but because of my father can not have a relationship with her three daughters or any of her grandchildren. Kind of sad if you think about it. My sons therapist tells me all the time, even though I have blocked out all the old junk, my father still plays a part in my life and it shows by how I am raising my kids. I swore I would never let my kids feel the way he made me feel, and the way he still makes me feel somedays. I hear his bad voices in my head a lot especially if I feel fat one day or I screwed up someting. Amazing that I still feel crappy sometimes even though he is no longer in my life. This all was very hard for Shawn to understand, but he has gotten better as so I. Maybe I have just buried it all so I can just move on, but it does come out sometimes especially on days like this. I am always in the healing process, it does help that I have other men in my life whom have taken over the role, and I thank God for that everyday. All in all, I know I always have a Father(God), whom I can lean on to get my through it all everyday.
Happy Fathers Day to all the great dads out there, especially my hubby and his dad and my grandfathers. And to my friend in NJ whom even though did not know me till later in life has become a great dad figure to me and a wondreful grandpa to the kids.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Craziness
Since my last post a week ago, I have gained another head full of gray hair. The little one, SaraAn has caused most of it. Most people would say, what else can go wrong for you? I simply just laugh and say lots more could because it always does. SaraAn just had her stitches removed today that were put in on Saturday while getting the boys ready for a bball game and still preparing for Austin's bday party while on about an hour sleep. Her listening skills just were not working well when I kept repeating myself to leave the dog alone, well she will now have a scar on her face to prove the point that she should of listened. Back to ER two days after that, three bad bloody noses,I was told to take her there. Of course while there it stopped, now off to ENT on Monday, not sure what they can do, but this was not the first time with this problem. Not half an hour after having the stitches out today, she starts bleeding again. Luckily it stopped quickly. As if that is not enough, Austin lost TWO teeth on the same days as her ER visits. What are the chances of that? Thankfully they did not bleed too much. Now tomorrow off to CHOP for Austin's big hemotology visit. Prayers it all goes well. My biggest concern is his weight, he has lost quite a bit since being on ADHD meds. What mega drama.
On a good note, the kids made it through another year at school. They all did very well and I should be proud, especially of Henry. His first year almost completely mainstreamed, he got all A's and one B+ on his report card. That is a proud moment, seeings where we have come from with him. Now off to 5th grade. That is so unbelievable. Austin going to 2nd and SaraAn to 1st. Where did the years go? Kind of sad to see another chapter end. Summer, going to be crazy, but hopefully fun. New things in store especially for Austin. Going to overnight camp for the first time, all kids with bleeding disorders. I know he will be well taken care of, it's the same camp Henry goes to for the week for kids in the spectrum and Henry loves it.I bet I will be holding back tears that day. On a note about me for all those keeping track, I lost another 4.6 lbs and now I have lost a total of 17lbs. in just three weeks. I hope it continues for the sake of my knees that are really hurting a lot lately. I am hoping the more I lose the less pressure I will be putting on them and I will not be in so much pain. Prayers this week for good outcome for Austin at CHOP tomorrow, for SaraAn's appt at ENT on Monday, and for things to settle down a little especially in the medical sense for the kids. I realize having kids with needs was going to be a lot of work, but somedays I do fell my strength is running low. At the end of each day I just thank God I made it through another one and just ask for more strength for the next. Good night all.
On a good note, the kids made it through another year at school. They all did very well and I should be proud, especially of Henry. His first year almost completely mainstreamed, he got all A's and one B+ on his report card. That is a proud moment, seeings where we have come from with him. Now off to 5th grade. That is so unbelievable. Austin going to 2nd and SaraAn to 1st. Where did the years go? Kind of sad to see another chapter end. Summer, going to be crazy, but hopefully fun. New things in store especially for Austin. Going to overnight camp for the first time, all kids with bleeding disorders. I know he will be well taken care of, it's the same camp Henry goes to for the week for kids in the spectrum and Henry loves it.I bet I will be holding back tears that day. On a note about me for all those keeping track, I lost another 4.6 lbs and now I have lost a total of 17lbs. in just three weeks. I hope it continues for the sake of my knees that are really hurting a lot lately. I am hoping the more I lose the less pressure I will be putting on them and I will not be in so much pain. Prayers this week for good outcome for Austin at CHOP tomorrow, for SaraAn's appt at ENT on Monday, and for things to settle down a little especially in the medical sense for the kids. I realize having kids with needs was going to be a lot of work, but somedays I do fell my strength is running low. At the end of each day I just thank God I made it through another one and just ask for more strength for the next. Good night all.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Life and Death
June 2, 2004, I gave birth to my middle son Austin. A beautiful 7 lb 12 oz. blue eyed joy. All that know my story also know his seven years have been very difficult and the story never sems to end. My little man I call him, deserves a medal for all the pain and anguish he has been through. The hours upon hours at dr's, specialists, and the pokes and prods on his body through the years. Enough for an adult to go crazy by now. Austin's spirit, his bright blue eyes and his contagious smile should be an inspiration to all. I feel he will be doing something huge in his adult life. All of this does come with a lot of strength as his mom. All the pain, appts with various doctors, and just the though of having a child with such needs as Austin does would drive most to the loony bin. Anybody watching him on the street riding his bike, playing baseball, or just running around would never think there is anything wrong. I, as his mom know that is so far from the truth. When getting his diagnosis at 9 months old as we were preparing him for surgery, many thoughts came through my mind. Do we need to "bubble" him, how we he do things like "normal" kids, can he do this or that? Well, as his mom, I feel we have done a great job by letting him live his life to the fullest and we plan on continuing that trend. Baseball, scouts, bikes, swimming, soccer? The possibilities are endless for him and I hope they will always continue to be. I of course make sure there is always that extra protection and I am sure there will be lots of tears as I send him to overnight camp for the first time this summer. Our next hurdle will be faced within the next few months as they begin testing him for high functioning autism like Henry has. He has been displaying lots of similiar behaviors just like Henry and I along with his doctor are concerned. Am I reading into things too far, is he mimicking Henry, I do not know, but I will find out. I am his biggest advocate and always will be. Will I be surprised if the results come back positive, no, but at least I will know how to handle things. I am however a little scared about the whole thing, but God will get me through this as he has gotten me through everything else.
As we celebrate the day of another year for Austin, we as a family had a tough moment tonight. Our beloved guinea pig Patches died in my arms. The kids all took it very hard and Austin decided it was his worse birthday ever. Wow, that stinks to hear him say that. I know Patches will be replaced by another piggy, but I know it still will not replace Patches. She was well loved and will be missed. Well, off to do my wife duty, dishes, then go to bed to prepare myself for a busy day tomorrow. R.I.P. Patches 5/08-6/2/11
As we celebrate the day of another year for Austin, we as a family had a tough moment tonight. Our beloved guinea pig Patches died in my arms. The kids all took it very hard and Austin decided it was his worse birthday ever. Wow, that stinks to hear him say that. I know Patches will be replaced by another piggy, but I know it still will not replace Patches. She was well loved and will be missed. Well, off to do my wife duty, dishes, then go to bed to prepare myself for a busy day tomorrow. R.I.P. Patches 5/08-6/2/11
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Small victories
They say Rome was not built in a day, well neither was my weight or my sons fear of a baseball. The past day has brought two proud moments as a mom and for myself. Austin began bball season this year with an attitude that "I cannot do this, I am going to quit." This all stemmed from hit being hit by a ball early on in the season. Coach promised him that if he ever even brushed him again there would be ice cream involved as a way of saying sorry. As his mom, knowing that any injury cannot be treated lightly, I had to hold my ground and keep making him go and try hard to keep him practicing. Last night made it all worth it, every whine and cringe moment. I along with his coaches tried hard the past couple weeks just to work on his confidence and get him comfortable just with the ball coming near him. Something clicked in him the past couple games and the whining turned into when is our next game, I cannot wait to play. Last night when I told him to start getting ready he very quickly got himself dressed and was ready to go. Wow, this is great.
I had to drop the boys off and head to another field with SaraAn because I help coach her team, so I had to go with her. Upon returning, I was quickly approached and asked if I would have a problem with Austin catching. CATCHING? The ball coming right towards him? I was not too sure, but seeing his face and the excitement he had, I could not say no, as long as he was protected, which he was and always is. I asked the coach how he did when I was gone, and I had to almost wipe a tear when he told me that he hit the first time and got out later when running to second, but the next bat he hit a DOUBLE, wow, are you sure we are talking about Austin, not Henry, who plays on the same team. They assured me they were talking about Austin and told me how excited he was when he hit that far. I was excited for him and felt a litttle dissapointed that I was not there to see it. At least his grandma and aunt were there though.I did see him hit a third time and he had a great hit, but got out on first. I was a very proud mom last night and I feel that these little things to some people are HUGE to me and all that know his story I am sure know why.
On now to my proud moment tonight. As my last post, I shared about my goals on weight loss and my new journey on weight watchers. I followed my points and learned a lot this week about portion control and self control. There were many tempting moments, but I had to remember why I was doing this and that the cravings will one day not feel so strong. I also kept myself busier than usual by trying the more advanced Zumba class at the gym to just doing things around the house to keep my mind off food. For instance, this would be a typical need a snack time, but since I am here writning, I do not feel hungry at all. At the meeting tonight they talked about excuses and what is the core behind them. I know what mine are and a lot do stem from my past, but I am willing to go past that and make this change. I have lived my whole life with my father in my face telling me I am an embarrasment and will never amount to nothing Well guess what, he was wrong and I am beginning to see that more each day. It has taken me a long time even though I have no relationship with him, to just let it go, and I feel that is what I need to do if I am going to succeed in this journey. Well, anyway, I am closing this blog 8 POUNDS LIGHTER tonight. I feel very good about this and I hope all my hard work will pay off in the end, but for now those baby steps towards a new me.
I had to drop the boys off and head to another field with SaraAn because I help coach her team, so I had to go with her. Upon returning, I was quickly approached and asked if I would have a problem with Austin catching. CATCHING? The ball coming right towards him? I was not too sure, but seeing his face and the excitement he had, I could not say no, as long as he was protected, which he was and always is. I asked the coach how he did when I was gone, and I had to almost wipe a tear when he told me that he hit the first time and got out later when running to second, but the next bat he hit a DOUBLE, wow, are you sure we are talking about Austin, not Henry, who plays on the same team. They assured me they were talking about Austin and told me how excited he was when he hit that far. I was excited for him and felt a litttle dissapointed that I was not there to see it. At least his grandma and aunt were there though.I did see him hit a third time and he had a great hit, but got out on first. I was a very proud mom last night and I feel that these little things to some people are HUGE to me and all that know his story I am sure know why.
On now to my proud moment tonight. As my last post, I shared about my goals on weight loss and my new journey on weight watchers. I followed my points and learned a lot this week about portion control and self control. There were many tempting moments, but I had to remember why I was doing this and that the cravings will one day not feel so strong. I also kept myself busier than usual by trying the more advanced Zumba class at the gym to just doing things around the house to keep my mind off food. For instance, this would be a typical need a snack time, but since I am here writning, I do not feel hungry at all. At the meeting tonight they talked about excuses and what is the core behind them. I know what mine are and a lot do stem from my past, but I am willing to go past that and make this change. I have lived my whole life with my father in my face telling me I am an embarrasment and will never amount to nothing Well guess what, he was wrong and I am beginning to see that more each day. It has taken me a long time even though I have no relationship with him, to just let it go, and I feel that is what I need to do if I am going to succeed in this journey. Well, anyway, I am closing this blog 8 POUNDS LIGHTER tonight. I feel very good about this and I hope all my hard work will pay off in the end, but for now those baby steps towards a new me.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Battle of the Bulge
The Battle of the Bulge I will call it, has been a battle ever since I was about 5. I was always active, playing sports, walking, etc., but it was never enough. They say stress and low self esteem are not good for weight problems, and boy do I have all of that. As I was growing up, stress was non stop. Between moving all the time, parent problems, and the constant teasing I went throuigh my whole life, it is no wonder I am what they call in todays standards morbidly obese. Wow, that should be an eye opener in the first place, but something has held me back to change it. I do not think I am lazy which is of course a huge misconception, that fat people are lazy. I am very active on a regular basis and feel that is good, but the scale will not budge. Food, well, I guess in my down times and lonely periods, it is my friend. I do have friends, but still feel very lonely a lot of times. I sit most nights by myself when the kids go to bed and that is my hardest time of day. I need to find an outlet for that time especially. There are things I like to do such as scrapbook and read, but most days I just want to relax and watch TV, but then here comes the food.
I love to watch shows like The Biggest Loser, Heavy, and others that have weight as the core of the program. I love to listen to the suggestions that are made and I look at the people on these shows and think I can make these changes, but what is holding me back? I do not know. Maybe lack of self esteem, maybe just the not knowing what people would think, maybe the whole thing that I do not deserve this one thing for me and that is to be happy about myself. It boils down to the fact that I am not happy being my weight and for the sake of my own health and for the sake of my three kids who depend on me for so much, I need to make a change. My parents had very early onset of heart disease, battled diabetes, high cholesterol, and just plain did not take care of themselves. I do not want to be my mother in two more years at the age of 36 and having a heart attack. I remember that day very clearly and all the responsibility I had to bear because she was limited in many activities afterwards such as driving, lifting, etc. I would never want to put my kids through that.
The kids alone are enough of an excuse to where I should want to lose the weight, the added stress of our everyday life with the kids would make anybody struggle with some things. The excuses need to end here and now, and they are going to. Talking with some friends last night, one was talking about weight watchers and that she was going to a meeting right after karate. I asked about it and went home and decided since Shawn was home I was going to check it out. I was hooked and here I am now beginning my new journey. I feel the fact of the accountablilty in front of people, the visible rewards, plus someone else doing it also is what I need to maybe just succeed in this mission for a better life. I want to be around for many years to relish in the moments of my kids lives and see how all the work I am putting in now and the rewards I hope will someday come from all of it. I also want to grow old with Shawn and let him enjoy seeing a new me for the first time ever. I want to experience the joy he had when he lost over 100 pounds. Here it is my friends, my life changing moment. Updates I am sure will come. On to a new me.
I love to watch shows like The Biggest Loser, Heavy, and others that have weight as the core of the program. I love to listen to the suggestions that are made and I look at the people on these shows and think I can make these changes, but what is holding me back? I do not know. Maybe lack of self esteem, maybe just the not knowing what people would think, maybe the whole thing that I do not deserve this one thing for me and that is to be happy about myself. It boils down to the fact that I am not happy being my weight and for the sake of my own health and for the sake of my three kids who depend on me for so much, I need to make a change. My parents had very early onset of heart disease, battled diabetes, high cholesterol, and just plain did not take care of themselves. I do not want to be my mother in two more years at the age of 36 and having a heart attack. I remember that day very clearly and all the responsibility I had to bear because she was limited in many activities afterwards such as driving, lifting, etc. I would never want to put my kids through that.
The kids alone are enough of an excuse to where I should want to lose the weight, the added stress of our everyday life with the kids would make anybody struggle with some things. The excuses need to end here and now, and they are going to. Talking with some friends last night, one was talking about weight watchers and that she was going to a meeting right after karate. I asked about it and went home and decided since Shawn was home I was going to check it out. I was hooked and here I am now beginning my new journey. I feel the fact of the accountablilty in front of people, the visible rewards, plus someone else doing it also is what I need to maybe just succeed in this mission for a better life. I want to be around for many years to relish in the moments of my kids lives and see how all the work I am putting in now and the rewards I hope will someday come from all of it. I also want to grow old with Shawn and let him enjoy seeing a new me for the first time ever. I want to experience the joy he had when he lost over 100 pounds. Here it is my friends, my life changing moment. Updates I am sure will come. On to a new me.
Monday, May 16, 2011
To do or not to do?
This is my question for the day that I already made the decision on, but wonder if it was the right one.The question on whether to medicate a child or not for behavior is one that has been asked a million times over by parents lately. We grapple with this decision for many reasons, will they have side effects, will they be too tired, will they work overall and help the child? I grappled with these same questions over and over again in many situations. The decision in Henry's case was fairly an easy one and what a difference it did make. He could finally get through a day with fewer difficulties. Now his med count stands at three, one for ADHD and his attention, one for the Tourettes tics, and now one to help with his overall mood which has been suggested as depression. This might sound like a lot, but he receives regular check ups and is monitored closely to make sure they are doing what they are supposed to. I truly believe they are helping him in a lot of ways.
My issue at hand is with Austin. As of kindergarten last year, he was the model student, well behaved, listened and followed directions, etc. His teacher this year in 1st grade did not have the same opinion after the first couple months went by with constant behavior struggles at school and home. What happened, I ask myself every day. Did I screw something else up? Is it genetic that I have to mess up all my kids in so many ways? Was something different going on at home the school asked me? Maybe it is just middle child syndrome or he just needs more attention, I am baffled by the change. Well, now what to do about it. After many talks with his teacher and doctor it was decided that yes ADHD does run in families and now looking back Shawn probably had it when he was younger and seeings that Henry already had the diagnosis, it was a high probability that another child was stricken with ADHD.
Can anything else be wrong with my poor babies? Talk about feeling like a screw up. Now we need to play by a whole other set of rules for discipline, homework battles, routine. Even though we already dealt with it, things just needed to be treated on a child to child basis. No set of rules works for all. Medication was decided on for a trial run right before Christmas, with his teacher and doctor supporting me, here we embarked on another roller coaster ride. Well, a difference was noted and still is. His behavior and attention in general did improve, but at a cost. Now we struggle with the fact that Austin cannot swallow pills and his med only comes in that form. I pour it in his drink at breakfast and hope he finishes it. Shawn is a little more abrupt and makes him swallow it whole while he cries till it goes down. Am I a softie or is he playing me everyday? He has opened up recently to a family member who did Not even like the idea of him being on meds and told her that the medicine makes him feel sick. He has mentioned that to me also, guess that is why he has lost over 10 pounds since being on it. My stocky boy thinned out a lot, even though he looks great losing that much is not good. Now after two days of not taking the medicine, he was unbearable and miserable today. His attitude was just terrible and he was so negative about himself, which is another story within itself. Off to the doctor on Thursday to make some decisions, either a med change, no meds at all, or something else. Not sure what is going to be best. I hate to see my kids suffer in any way, but which kind of suffereing is better then the other. It is another battle that I will fight to see my almost seven year old flourish in life. He has overcome so many obstacles already and will have many more to face as he ages with his bleeding issues, but I will be there through it all with him, even if it takes a couple of tears along the way and an extra bottle of excedrin migraine to see me through.
My issue at hand is with Austin. As of kindergarten last year, he was the model student, well behaved, listened and followed directions, etc. His teacher this year in 1st grade did not have the same opinion after the first couple months went by with constant behavior struggles at school and home. What happened, I ask myself every day. Did I screw something else up? Is it genetic that I have to mess up all my kids in so many ways? Was something different going on at home the school asked me? Maybe it is just middle child syndrome or he just needs more attention, I am baffled by the change. Well, now what to do about it. After many talks with his teacher and doctor it was decided that yes ADHD does run in families and now looking back Shawn probably had it when he was younger and seeings that Henry already had the diagnosis, it was a high probability that another child was stricken with ADHD.
Can anything else be wrong with my poor babies? Talk about feeling like a screw up. Now we need to play by a whole other set of rules for discipline, homework battles, routine. Even though we already dealt with it, things just needed to be treated on a child to child basis. No set of rules works for all. Medication was decided on for a trial run right before Christmas, with his teacher and doctor supporting me, here we embarked on another roller coaster ride. Well, a difference was noted and still is. His behavior and attention in general did improve, but at a cost. Now we struggle with the fact that Austin cannot swallow pills and his med only comes in that form. I pour it in his drink at breakfast and hope he finishes it. Shawn is a little more abrupt and makes him swallow it whole while he cries till it goes down. Am I a softie or is he playing me everyday? He has opened up recently to a family member who did Not even like the idea of him being on meds and told her that the medicine makes him feel sick. He has mentioned that to me also, guess that is why he has lost over 10 pounds since being on it. My stocky boy thinned out a lot, even though he looks great losing that much is not good. Now after two days of not taking the medicine, he was unbearable and miserable today. His attitude was just terrible and he was so negative about himself, which is another story within itself. Off to the doctor on Thursday to make some decisions, either a med change, no meds at all, or something else. Not sure what is going to be best. I hate to see my kids suffer in any way, but which kind of suffereing is better then the other. It is another battle that I will fight to see my almost seven year old flourish in life. He has overcome so many obstacles already and will have many more to face as he ages with his bleeding issues, but I will be there through it all with him, even if it takes a couple of tears along the way and an extra bottle of excedrin migraine to see me through.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Changes
Since my last post so much has happened for the good, I hope. Three weeks ago, I went away for a 72 hour "walk" as it was called and left seeing my life in a whole new perspective. I left on a Thursday night full of anxiety and stress because I was leaving the kids, no phones allowed, and no clocks or watches to be seen. What??? After being there it all made so much sense. I was there to fully put my heart and mind into focus and see where God leads me. I had an experience I will never regret and I feel better about so many things in my life. There are so many things I cannot describe about my journey, but I will say it was life changing and I feel God really did work in me and I pray it will continue always.
Now that Shawn and I experienced this together, I feel that our relationship has been able to grow in so many ways. We have been able to see things in a whole new light and realize together that God will take care of us no matter what. I more than ever that I am able to handle all the stuff that is put before me as long as He is my priority. I know so much of this sounds silly to some of you, but only through God am I here today through all the struggles I have had to even talk about these things. I truly believe most in my situation would be on some sort of drugs, depressed, or would of just given up by now. I now see that my faith in God though it not be as strong as it should be some days, has been the key to getting me through without the drugs and other outlets. Yes somedays, I do get frustrated, but who wouldn't in my shoes. These are pretty hard shoes to fill considering all the junk I deal with on a regular basis on top of the regular stuff.
Shawn and I do have our struggles, but we have come to accept them as is and will be dealing with things very differently from now on and will be leaning on eachother more than ever. Statistically speaking we should of given up a long time ago, but we have managed to make it this far despite all the numbers. That could only be the work of God I tell you. I look at my own battles, childhood problems, weight issues, low self esteem, financial struggles, and the mountain of tissues over my kids and their own battles, somedays their battle to just survive. I have seen the brink of death in everyone of my children and I am telling you from wrapped cords at birth, to bleeding issues and surgery, to the little one not breathing at birth on machines and then another scare when she was two and was struggling to breath when she was very ill. I know most will see my kids today and think nothing could be wrong, but most know that is not the case. God does have a plan for all of this even though some days I do not see it yet, but here is where my patience level needs to increase.
Anyhow, Shawn and I attended our "fourth day" program yesterday and we got to see so many of our new friends from our "walk". We both feel so blessed that we had this experience and that we are now part of a new community of people here to serve God and lead others to Him. What a gift. I have opened my heart to seeing so many opportunities to serve now and I hope and pray that my life will finally begin to make sense.
Now that Shawn and I experienced this together, I feel that our relationship has been able to grow in so many ways. We have been able to see things in a whole new light and realize together that God will take care of us no matter what. I more than ever that I am able to handle all the stuff that is put before me as long as He is my priority. I know so much of this sounds silly to some of you, but only through God am I here today through all the struggles I have had to even talk about these things. I truly believe most in my situation would be on some sort of drugs, depressed, or would of just given up by now. I now see that my faith in God though it not be as strong as it should be some days, has been the key to getting me through without the drugs and other outlets. Yes somedays, I do get frustrated, but who wouldn't in my shoes. These are pretty hard shoes to fill considering all the junk I deal with on a regular basis on top of the regular stuff.
Shawn and I do have our struggles, but we have come to accept them as is and will be dealing with things very differently from now on and will be leaning on eachother more than ever. Statistically speaking we should of given up a long time ago, but we have managed to make it this far despite all the numbers. That could only be the work of God I tell you. I look at my own battles, childhood problems, weight issues, low self esteem, financial struggles, and the mountain of tissues over my kids and their own battles, somedays their battle to just survive. I have seen the brink of death in everyone of my children and I am telling you from wrapped cords at birth, to bleeding issues and surgery, to the little one not breathing at birth on machines and then another scare when she was two and was struggling to breath when she was very ill. I know most will see my kids today and think nothing could be wrong, but most know that is not the case. God does have a plan for all of this even though some days I do not see it yet, but here is where my patience level needs to increase.
Anyhow, Shawn and I attended our "fourth day" program yesterday and we got to see so many of our new friends from our "walk". We both feel so blessed that we had this experience and that we are now part of a new community of people here to serve God and lead others to Him. What a gift. I have opened my heart to seeing so many opportunities to serve now and I hope and pray that my life will finally begin to make sense.
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