The Big "D" day

Well, the day is here and the roller coaster hit a huge high and low this morning. As many of you are aware, Austin was seeing a neuropsych to get tested for any learning disability or spectrum disorder. I have known for so long deep down in the mommy gut that something just isn't right about so many things when we talk about Austin and knowing the patterns from Henry, I just wanted a diagnosis finally. The school tested him about 2 years ago and said they found no suspicion of autism, that of course made me feel better and let me continue on thinking I was just paranoid and saw things differently since Henry was diagnosed. I had my meeting this morning and the Dr began going through his history from birth on and he began going over his testing results. Ok, average or above thinking with a low in math, no surprise here. Something with math that frighten my kids. Go figure. They are daddy's boys. Now to get to what I have been anticipating, with no surprise, AUSTIN HAS ASPERGERS!!!!! Wow, the Dr said it, he said "you do not look surprised", I said, I am not at all surprised with this finding. Finally an answer to it all. A sense of relief, it is finally put on paper in a report that I am not crazy with my thinking and that there is a real legit issue at hand. Finally, the hours of struggle with homework, mood swings, behavior issues, sensory meltdowns, attention issues, etc, all make sense!!!Happy I should be of course, I was right and it was finally proven. Well, this is the other part, I am saddened by this of course, I feel so upset and down while feeling relief all the same time. I know some will understand this. I now have 2, not just 1 son with Autism. Yes, there are so many great resources available and help in so many places, but I cannot help feeling like crap about this. I was watching a baseball game yesterday almost to the point of tears knowing my boys will never have that sense of normal. I know normal is non existent anymore, but some might know where I am coming from with this. I want to be that mom that relishes over perfect report cards, excitement over a double play, friendships with birthday parties, playing with friends at the park (not by self sitting on computer all day), less homework struggles, less struggles with everything involved with daily life in general. No,  I am that "other" mom, working overtime for the best in everything for them, battling homework every night like a war,  making plans around their moods, dealing with meltdowns of crying and yelling over a sound that isn't liked, etc. I know not much will change, but I will be able to get more help hopefully for him now. I can't help myself but to feel sorry for him though. He has not had an easy life as it is dealing with a chronic life threatening condition and now this to add to it. Maybe there is really something with his depressed moods and his feelings of life not being fair. He' s right, it isn't fair. I know there are big plans for them someday and I will always be there for him and the other two. I know God made them special for just who they are and that he will use the in a wonderful way. Now it's time to face reality and wipe the tears of pity and move on so I can advocate for them and provide the best for them no matter what the big "D" (diagnosis)is.