Letting Go!

   Letting go is hard, sometimes it can be harder or easier depending on what you are letting go of. I sit here in the quiet tonight and think there are many things I have let go of in my life and there are many things I would like to let go of like some behaviors and attitudes. Some of those are not as easy as letting go of an old baby item of throwing away or an unused toy etc. The reason of this blog tonight is my feelings towards letting go of my kids. Yes, I am over protective, as any mom in my situation should be, there is always the fear of the unknown and things that could happen if I am not there. I have had to work very hard towards letting go a little when it came for instance sending Austin to school for the first time. That was a nerve racking day for me, even though I knew I was only a phone call away. One day when he was in school I knew I was going to be gone out of the area all day and I was a nervous wreck. What if something happens, what if he falls, what if he cuts himself? How anxiety producing, overprotective or controlling? Maybe a little bit of both. Tomorrow he will be beginning a full week at Hawk Mountain for Cub Scout day camp, he will leave early morning and not return till close to dinner time. I am NOT going, he has been up there one day before, but not for as long without me and I know from experience he will be doing a lot of things that might be new for him and could cause injury.
    What is an overprotective, controlling mother to do? Well first pray, real hard for Austin's safety and enjoyment. We have been pretty good about not bubble wrapping him since his diagnosis. Second, have trust in the person who will be looking after him this week and I do. I put my complete faith in him and I know he will look out for Austin. Third, just think positive that all will be fine, even though I know I will be thinking of him constantly until he lands back home safe and sound. Once I get him through this week, I really will be going crazy because I know he will be attending Dragonfly Forest  next week where he will spend 6 days and 5 nights away from home, his first time ever away from home to this capacity. I know Dragonfly will be all kids with bleeding disorders that week and I know they are fully staffed medically with dr's and nurses, but I will NOT be there. I know at the end of the day, I am so happy my children get to have these experiences and I am so glad sometimes to see them just go away for the day or week, but I am still that overprotective, controlling mother and I still have a hard time letting go.

Fathers Day

     Fathers Day, a day to celebrate our fathers. Yes, my children showed their love through gifts to their daddy this morning, and I had a small something for him, but did not see him before he left due to the extreme lack of sleep from working this weekend. I could not of asked for a greater daddy for my children, he might be a little tougher then me sometimes, but I am known to have a soft spot. Even though Shawn may not make every game, practice, dr's appointment, etc., he is still there for the kids. He is a great supporter, his work pays the bills to provide them with all they need. May not be all they want, but they have their needs met and then some. Some days it is hard with him being gone so much, but I know he is doing what it takes to show his love to me by letting me only work part time and focus full time on the never ending needs of the kids.
    Not only do my kids have a great daddy, I lucked out and gained a great father in law. He also worked and still works hard to provide and care for his family. He just loves his grandbabies. Our three are my in laws only three grandkids, and boy are they spoiled by poppop, the kids just love him to pieces and love to help him with all his outside work. I hope my boys learn the value of hard work by watching their daddy and poppop. I also have two grandfathers whom I consider one of them to have been my father in every sense of the word, unfortunately due to family crap, that relationship has become a very sad story and one that hurts me everyday due to selfishness of others.
     As I have read all day of my friends lifting up their fathers and calling them daddy, I am brought to tears sometimes because I do have a living father, just one who never acted like one. Unfortunately, for his sake he has 9 grandchildren he can never see due to his past behavior. All by choice of course. I also have a mother , but because of my father can not have a relationship with her three daughters or any of her grandchildren. Kind of sad if you think about it. My sons therapist tells me all the time, even though I have blocked out all the old junk, my father still plays a part in my life and it shows by how I am raising my kids. I swore I would never let my kids feel the way he made me feel, and the way he still makes me feel somedays. I hear his bad voices in my head a lot especially if I feel fat one day or I screwed up someting. Amazing that I still feel crappy sometimes even though he is no longer in  my life. This all was very hard for Shawn to understand, but he has gotten better as so I. Maybe I have just buried it all so I can just move on, but it does come out sometimes especially on days like this. I am always in the healing process, it does help that I have other men in my life whom have taken over the role, and I thank God for that everyday. All in all, I know I always have a Father(God), whom I can lean on to get my through it all everyday.
    Happy Fathers Day to all the great dads out there, especially my hubby and his dad and my grandfathers. And to my friend in NJ whom even though did not know me till later in life has become a great dad figure to me and a wondreful grandpa to the kids.

Craziness

     Since my last post a week ago, I have gained another head full of gray hair. The little one, SaraAn has caused most of it. Most people would say, what else can go wrong for you? I simply just laugh and say lots more could because it always does. SaraAn just had her stitches removed today that were put in on Saturday while getting the boys ready for a bball game and still preparing for Austin's bday party while on about an hour sleep. Her listening skills just were not working well when I kept repeating myself to leave the dog alone, well she will now have a scar on her face to prove the point that she should of listened. Back to ER two days after that, three bad bloody noses,I was  told to take her there. Of course while there it stopped, now off to ENT on Monday, not sure what they can do, but this was not the first time with this problem. Not half an hour after having the stitches out today, she starts bleeding again. Luckily it stopped quickly. As if that is not enough, Austin lost TWO teeth on the same days as her ER visits. What are the chances of that? Thankfully they did not bleed too much. Now tomorrow off to CHOP for Austin's big hemotology visit. Prayers it all goes well. My biggest concern is his weight, he has lost quite a bit since being on ADHD meds. What mega drama.
     On a good note, the kids made it through another year at school. They all did very well and I should be proud, especially of Henry. His first year almost completely mainstreamed, he got all A's and one B+ on his report card. That is a proud moment, seeings where we have come from with him. Now off to 5th grade. That is so unbelievable. Austin going to 2nd and SaraAn to 1st. Where did the years go? Kind of sad to see another chapter end. Summer, going to be crazy, but hopefully fun. New things in store especially for Austin. Going to overnight camp for the first time, all kids with bleeding disorders. I know he will be well taken care of, it's the same camp Henry goes to for the week for kids in the spectrum and Henry loves it.I bet I will be holding back tears that day. On a note about me for all those keeping track, I lost another 4.6 lbs and now I have lost a total of 17lbs. in just three weeks. I hope it continues for the sake of my knees that are really hurting a lot lately. I am hoping the more I lose the less pressure I will be putting on them and I will not be in so much pain. Prayers this week for good outcome for Austin at CHOP tomorrow, for SaraAn's appt at ENT on Monday, and for things to settle down a little especially in the medical sense for the kids. I realize having kids with needs was going to be a lot of work, but somedays I do fell my strength is running low. At the end of each day I just thank God I made it through another one and just ask for more strength for the next. Good night all.

Life and Death

       June 2, 2004, I gave birth to my middle son Austin. A beautiful 7 lb 12 oz. blue eyed joy. All that know my story also know his seven years have been very difficult and the story never sems to end. My little man I call him, deserves a medal for all the pain and anguish he has been through. The hours upon hours at dr's, specialists, and the pokes and prods on his body through the years. Enough for an adult to go crazy by now. Austin's spirit, his bright blue eyes and his contagious smile should be an inspiration to all. I feel he will be doing something huge in his adult life. All of this does come with a lot of strength as his mom. All the pain, appts with various doctors, and just the though of having a child with such needs as Austin does would drive most to the loony bin. Anybody watching him on the street riding his bike, playing baseball, or just running around would never think there is anything wrong. I, as his mom know that is so far from the truth. When getting his diagnosis at 9 months old as we were preparing him for surgery, many thoughts came through my mind. Do we need to "bubble" him, how we he do things like "normal" kids, can he do this or that? Well, as his mom, I feel we have done a great job by letting him live his life to the fullest and we plan on continuing that trend. Baseball, scouts, bikes, swimming, soccer? The possibilities are endless for him and I hope they will always continue to be. I of course make sure there is always that extra protection and I am sure there will be lots of tears as I send him to overnight camp for the first time this summer. Our next hurdle will be faced within the next few months as they begin testing him for high functioning autism like Henry has. He has been displaying lots of similiar behaviors just like Henry and I along with his doctor are concerned. Am I reading into things too far, is he mimicking Henry, I do not know, but I will find out. I am his biggest advocate and always will be. Will I be surprised if the results come back positive, no, but at least I will know how to handle things. I am however a little scared about the whole thing, but God will get me through this as he has gotten me through everything else.
   As we celebrate the day of another year for Austin, we as a family had a tough moment tonight. Our beloved guinea pig Patches died in my arms. The kids all took it very hard and Austin decided it was his worse birthday ever. Wow, that stinks to hear him say that. I know Patches will be replaced by another piggy, but I know it still will not replace Patches. She was well loved and will be missed. Well, off to do my wife duty, dishes, then go to bed to prepare myself for a busy day tomorrow. R.I.P. Patches 5/08-6/2/11