Challenges, they say life is full of them. I completely agree, but in my case I feel the challenges are more numerous. I know Ihave not wrtten in a while, but I feel I needed to get bcak on track to help myself cope with all that has been going on. Amazing how much can happen in just a few short months. I am ready for either a redo of this year or a complete new year to start. This year so far, I began with pnemonia, lost time at work, got behind on bills, lost my car, some degree of marriage difficulties due to finances, crazy time with college due to horrible teacher, Henry drama all the way across the board, and Austin drama to top the cake. I also have gained back all the weight I lost last year and have gained tons more grey hair. Just think, the year is not even half over yet. Almost afraid of what is in store for the rest.
I try hard to tell myself along with many of you, that I am a good mom. My kids are fed everyday, they are clean, they do have manners on the most part especially to others, they are active, and smart in their own ways. I keep up with their scouts, softball/baseball, friends, meetings,homework, appointments, and everything in between. That is a full time job within itself then ad in school, 2 part time jobs, and all the house responsibilities. I feel that I do the job of at least 3 people most days. No wonder my eyes shut everynight before my head hits the pillow.
Amazing to me is that how can I do all that and still feel like a failure to my kids. After the night I just had with Austin and his definant ways, I struggle with my thoughts of what I am doing so wrong where my kids do not respect me or anything I say. I feel all I do is yell and scream the second they walk in the door to the second they go to bed.I do not want to be that kind of parent. That is how I was raised and I see the damage it has caused and I feel it is a direct issue with my problems now. I cannot change how I was raised, but I can change how I raise my kids. Going through all I have been through with Henry this past couple months just makes so much mean so little. We came so far and now I feel we have gone back even further. Are his mental health issues a reflection of me as his mom? I try to convince myself no, but it is hard not to think that way. Is Austin acting out because I don't discipline the proper way? To some degree probably, but I cannot seem to find the right fit for him to discipline or to reward. He gets so bored so quick and it is so hard to find something that will work for all of them.Do I blame SaraAn for not wanting to come home? Absolutely not, I wouldn't want to come home to all this either. Poor kid, I feel she is suffering in her own little way. If it wasn't for helping coach her softball, I probably would have no time to spend with her. Will she grow up with resentment towards them or will it help her to be better understanding? Who knows.
As you can tell, feeling a little discouraged about things lately. I know they say being a mom is the hardest job anyone can do and I am up for the challenge as I have the strength from God and tons of praying friends and support from all of you out there that take the time to read these posts. Without all that, I don't know where I would be right now.I pray that in the end all of this will just be a memory and when they are all grown up it will pay off when they are something big in society making for themselves.I know they will all have to work a little harder to get that success, but if they take after their mom in one way, I hope it is that they keep going with all the fight in them that I know they have. If they do that, they will turn out wonderful. My ranting is done for the night.
