Battle of the Bulge

      The Battle of the Bulge I will call it, has been a battle ever since I was about 5. I was always active, playing sports, walking, etc., but it was never enough. They say stress and low self esteem are not good for weight problems, and boy do I have all of that. As I was growing up, stress was non stop. Between moving all the time, parent problems, and the constant teasing I went throuigh my whole life, it is no wonder I am what they call in todays standards morbidly obese. Wow, that should be an eye opener in the first place, but something has held me back to change it. I do not think I am lazy which is of course a huge misconception, that fat people are lazy. I am very active on a regular basis and feel that is good, but the scale will not budge. Food, well, I guess in my down times and lonely periods, it is my friend. I do have friends, but still feel very lonely a lot of times. I sit most nights by myself when the kids go to bed and that is my hardest time of day. I need to find an outlet for that time especially. There are things I like to do such as scrapbook and read, but most days I just want to relax and watch TV, but then here comes the food.
    I love to watch shows like The Biggest Loser, Heavy, and others that have weight as the core of the program. I love to listen to the suggestions that are made and I look at the people on these shows and think I can make these changes, but what is holding me back? I do not know. Maybe lack of self esteem, maybe just the not knowing what people would think, maybe the whole thing that I do not deserve this one thing for me and that is to be happy about myself.  It boils down to the fact that I am not happy being my weight and for the sake of my own health and for the sake of my three kids who depend on me for so much, I need to make a change. My parents had very early onset of heart disease, battled diabetes, high cholesterol, and just plain did not take care of themselves. I do not want to be my mother in two more years at the age of 36 and having a heart attack. I remember that day very clearly and all the responsibility I had to bear because she was limited in many activities afterwards such as driving, lifting, etc. I would never want to put my kids through that.
    The kids alone are enough of an excuse to where I should want to lose the weight, the added stress of our everyday life with the kids would make anybody struggle with some things. The excuses need to end here and now, and they are going to. Talking with some friends last night, one was talking about weight watchers and that she was going to a meeting right after karate. I asked about it and went home and decided since Shawn was home I was going to check it out. I was hooked and here I am now beginning my new journey. I feel the fact of the accountablilty in front of people, the visible rewards, plus someone else doing it also is what I need to maybe just succeed in this mission for a better life. I want to be around for many years to relish in the moments of my kids lives and see how all the work I am putting in now and the rewards I hope will someday come from all of it. I also want to grow old with Shawn and let him enjoy seeing a new me for the first time ever. I want to experience the joy he had when he lost over 100 pounds. Here it is my friends, my life changing moment. Updates I am sure will come. On to a new me.