As I sit and realize I should be sleeping right now all I want to do is just vent. The past few weeks have been a struggle for me, craziness at work, extra hours to try to help finances a little since gas keeps climbing and the kids are always hungry, messes all around the house, and never ending problems with the kiddos. As I look back a little more then 10 years ago, I think nothing could of prepared me for the ongoing problems with the kids. I love them so much and always have put their needs in front of mine, but I am telling you some days are hard to manage without feeling like a good cry. If I could just add up the ever mounting hours spent in dr's and specialists, therapists , and the ever exhausting hours at Childrens Hospital of Philadelphia, I know it is all worth it for the sake of my babies. I have put so much of me aside from nowadays sleep, going to the gym, to just reading a book or watching the tv in hopes that my children will grow and be without their issues. I know that their issues will never be "cured", but at the same time I have done everything in my being to help them with all areas of their lives. Somedays though I still feel like I have failed them and myself. I suppose some people will look at this as a pity me party , but I am doing this so others may feel that they are not alone in the battle to help their children achieve their highest goals.
Henry, the oldest with aspergers, tourettes, and adhd has been our problem child lately. Some figure it is early stages of puberty, others think there is more to it. Back to therapy for him so he can help control his anger and now today hearing the word bi polar brought tears to my eyes. Could it be, it does make a lot of sense since there is a very high probable family history. We are going to try the medication route with a lot of support from his school and a new therapist. I hate as his mother to see him so anguished and so angry all the time over the stupidest things, but this is where his aspergers comes into plasy that he cannot process things the way normal kids do. WOW!! A double wammy it seems. New meds beginning tomorrow with a likely chance of seeing some difference within the next couple weeks.
My little warrior,( they call her in karate) SaraAn will be spending some of the day at the hospital tomorrow for some more gi studies. Vomiting episodes have hit all time high 3-4 per week for over 4 weeks now. She is already on so much medication to control her asthma, reflux,and allergies. I have that mothers intiution that something is just not right for this to be going on this long. Seems endless and I am not even done. This is the little one that has fought for her life since the day she was born. I thought her near three week stay in the NICU at birth was one of the scariest moments of our lives, who would of ever thought it did not end there. I will further write about her at another time.
To top the cake Austin who has hemophilia and another blood clotting disorder is ready to lose 4 teeth. Oh, please do not bleed. The meds are ready if any problems, but I am a nervous wreck. I am checking his teeth everyday to see how wiggly they are. He tells me "mom, just stop already". Maybe he is right, the insightfullness of a 6 year old. Try to convince me everything will be alright. Thanks to my little group of hemophilia friends who said it should not be that bad.
As my ramblings come to an end and sleepiness is catching up to me, I needed to get this all out for some reason or another. I have been told over and over that God will not give me more then I can handle, some days I just want to laugh at that statement, but as I look at the whole picture I know with a lot of prayer it will all work out in the end. This is just another test of strength for me and I have NEVER been a failure to my children and do not plan on starting now. Updates to come. Thanks for reading.
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